March 8, 2025
Hey everyone :) This is the first time I've been able to be back and make a post since I first got the site up and running. I want to learn how to organize my posts and have them automatically format instead of just coding them into the page, if anyone has any resources for that I would be appreciative!!! I want to start making use of my local library, it feels more natural to use a public computer than a laptop at home, even if the ones here aren't as blocky as I remember them being. They work a lot faster too. I need it to work fast today with the time limit I'm on, so that's one perk of the modern day.
I don't plan on posting from home anymore, so any new updates will be from the library. Keeping it classic. I've been learning how to be real again. For such a long time I thought the life that I have right now was unattainable. Seeing friends everyday, being able to leave the house whenever I wanted, sleepovers, skating, getting a job; those things felt like they would be trapped in my daydreams forever. But I got there. I don't know if I would have been brave enough to do it if I kept living with my dad.
Before I moved out, everything felt like it moved differently. Mechanically. This isn't an analogy, my brain stopped processing everything that was around me. It only showed me as much as I needed to know to get through the day. I know now that that was a response to the repetative trauma I was experiencing every day. I still have a hard time calling it that. It felt normal when I was there. Where I am now, everything moves so much smoother. I though squirrels moved like robots. Genuinely. They flow so much smoother now; exist like any other animal or person. It was disorienting at first; everything felt too real to be real. I thought that I must have been dreaming again. I'm getting more grounded.
Everyone's messages on my guestbook have made me feel really good, they all mean a lot to me. It feels good to be acknowledged as real by people who don't see me everyday. I was never good at feeling like a person. This website has been helping me take little steps to get there. I've been taking photos. I plan on uploading some of them on Monday, that's two days from this post. The weather is getting nicer and the snow is melting, and I feel like I'm finally defrosting again. I hope it stays this way. I always find more to talk about after warming up a little bit, so next week I'll definitely give myself more time to write. There are so many things to say and I only have about five minutes before the library closes.
Stay safe and remember to eat, I have to run to the store and pick up my partner something to eat now. Thank you for listening, again.