March 3, 2025
I talk a lot about how I want to write and exchange letters with people. I know why it's hard for me but I still feel guilty for leading people on with the idea. I wasn't really familiar with what ADHD was before I got here, but I've always had it. Even before being in a body that has those quirks, they were mine on my own. I always navigated being different by making it an important part about me. People like people who are different in a palatable way. They look for things that are just out of the ordinary enough to catch their attention, but not too weird to be judged for liking it. That kind of applies to me too, I try to be weird in a way that people like, instead of just being myself. It's something I didn't realize was happening until I got a partner.
I got caught in a cycle of drawing attention, holding it for as long as possible even if it meant doing things I would never do without influence, basking in it, and crashing once eyes turned away from me again. It's hard to admit that a lot of my relationships were built off of that. All of my first friends in this life never got to know me for who I really am. I'm not sure if I even knew who I was when we knew each other. I was just what I thought they wanted me to be.
I had a hard reset at the beginning of last year where I cut out electronics from my life entirely. I draw now, I write, I take photos, and explore outside more than ever. Most importantly, I stopped talking to people who didn't value me. Being alone made me feel lost, like I didn't really exist. I didn't know how to exist outside of people's perception of me. I still struggle with unreality. I'm getting better.
One thing I didn't have to lie about is how I talk. Even without the false high energy I was putting out, I still think the same way. I think fast, I jump topics, I get distracted, I fall down tangents and forget what I was doing in the first place. I was nervous for a long time that that was fake too. That I was trying to be different instead of just being different. I was thrown into a lot of boxes; I threw myself into a lot of boxes. I'm still trying to work out which ones were right, exaggerated or not. I still have a lot to work through.