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April 11, 2025
This post is for my Aunt Mandy, I wish I could speak to her again.
I've been thinking a lot about my spirituality and practices that I carry with me through my day to day. Things as simple as putting a stone in my pocket or blowing on new things to cleanse their energy and make it my own. Meditation and grounding help me get through rough patches. I used to think things like that were unnessesary and superstitious. My aunt taught me what I know, and was really insistent I listen to her even when I didn't believe in her words. I just let it happen because an argument wouldn't get me any of the places I wanted to be (because she would have talked longer to push my buttons, or find other tasks for me to do instead of what I had planned). It was inconveniencing then, but without her pushing me to listen I don't think I would feel so connected to her right now. I don't get to see my aunt anymore, not in this life; it's interesting to me because if I made it to 2025 without missing two decades, I would be almost 40 and she would be well into her 60s. I wonder if we'd still be as close as we were when I was in highschool. She was my rock, and kept me grounded even when I didn't know I was drifting. Now I use her words and memory to do the same.
She believed that we were all connected, everything and everyone, living and not. And I really believe that too. When you look at life that way I feel like it opens a new understanding and appreciation for everything. For a while I fell too far into that mindset, and would snag on the thought that if everything was one, then nothing was individual; and that made me feel like nothing was real. But that isn't true at all. I'm part of a family, but there are different parts of that whole, there are grandparents, aunts, parents, cousins, siblings- the family is just the title. The community. That's the connection. A library has hundreds of books, but in each of those books are entirely different unique stories. In each life there are different stories and experiences, but everything is alive. That's the connection!
I still have a hard time being so confident as she was about these things. But I stay open and loud about it, hoping it'll resonate with somebody somewhere. The things that comfort me won't always do the same for other people, and that's okay. I find connection where I can.
And don't worry, I didn't forget to upload my photography this time. Keep an eye on my chat box, I post little updates there when things go up. It's just taking a bit to finalize. :)
March 8, 2025
Hey everyone :) This is the first time I've been able to be back and make a post since I first got the site up and running. I want to learn how to organize my posts and have them automatically format instead of just coding them into the page, if anyone has any resources for that I would be appreciative!!! I want to start making use of my local library, it feels more natural to use a public computer than a laptop at home, even if the ones here aren't as blocky as I remember them being. They work a lot faster too. I need it to work fast today with the time limit I'm on, so that's one perk of the modern day.
I don't plan on posting from home anymore, so any new updates will be from the library. Keeping it classic. I've been learning how to be real again. For such a long time I thought the life that I have right now was unattainable. Seeing friends everyday, being able to leave the house whenever I wanted, sleepovers, skating, getting a job; those things felt like they would be trapped in my daydreams forever. But I got there. I don't know if I would have been brave enough to do it if I kept living with my dad.
Before I moved out, everything felt like it moved differently. Mechanically. This isn't an analogy, my brain stopped processing everything that was around me. It only showed me as much as I needed to know to get through the day. I know now that that was a response to the repetative trauma I was experiencing every day. I still have a hard time calling it that. It felt normal when I was there. Where I am now, everything moves so much smoother. I though squirrels moved like robots. Genuinely. They flow so much smoother now; exist like any other animal or person. It was disorienting at first; everything felt too real to be real. I thought that I must have been dreaming again. I'm getting more grounded.
Everyone's messages on my guestbook have made me feel really good, they all mean a lot to me. It feels good to be acknowledged as real by people who don't see me everyday. I was never good at feeling like a person. This website has been helping me take little steps to get there. I've been taking photos. I plan on uploading some of them on Monday, that's two days from this post. The weather is getting nicer and the snow is melting, and I feel like I'm finally defrosting again. I hope it stays this way. I always find more to talk about after warming up a little bit, so next week I'll definitely give myself more time to write. There are so many things to say and I only have about five minutes before the library closes.
Stay safe and remember to eat, I have to run to the store and pick up my partner something to eat now. Thank you for listening, again.
March 4, 2025
I'm just testing to see how this looks.
For future reference and all.
March 3, 2025
I talk a lot about how I want to write and exchange letters with people. I know why it's hard for me but I still feel guilty for leading people on with the idea. I wasn't really familiar with what ADHD was before I got here, but I've always had it. Even before being in a body that has those quirks, they were mine on my own. I always navigated being different by making it an important part about me. People like people who are different in a palatable way. They look for things that are just out of the ordinary enough to catch their attention, but not too weird to be judged for liking it. That kind of applies to me too, I try to be weird in a way that people like, instead of just being myself. It's something I didn't realize was happening until I got a partner.
I got caught in a cycle of drawing attention, holding it for as long as possible even if it meant doing things I would never do without influence, basking in it, and crashing once eyes turned away from me again. It's hard to admit that a lot of my relationships were built off of that. All of my first friends in this life never got to know me for who I really am. I'm not sure if I even knew who I was when we knew each other. I was just what I thought they wanted me to be.
I had a hard reset at the beginning of last year where I cut out electronics from my life entirely. I draw now, I write, I take photos, and explore outside more than ever. Most importantly, I stopped talking to people who didn't value me. Being alone made me feel lost, like I didn't really exist. I didn't know how to exist outside of people's perception of me. I still struggle with unreality. I'm getting better.
One thing I didn't have to lie about is how I talk. Even without the false high energy I was putting out, I still think the same way. I think fast, I jump topics, I get distracted, I fall down tangents and forget what I was doing in the first place. I was nervous for a long time that that was fake too. That I was trying to be different instead of just being different. I was thrown into a lot of boxes; I threw myself into a lot of boxes. I'm still trying to work out which ones were right, exaggerated or not. I still have a lot to work through.
I've spent a lot longer here than I usually do. Next time I'm around, I won't be using the screen. I've been making progress and don't want to lose it, even if talking here will be good for me.
Thank you to anyone who has been listening to my thoughts, and anyone who plans on keeping up with them.